Anger Management for Men with ADHD

Social Impact of ADHD

ADHD affects 3-4% of the adult population.1 One of the main challenges in ADHD is impulse control – so stopping to think and reflect before reacting out of anger is much harder if you have ADHD. This means that there are tens of millions of adults (parents, partners, employees) in North America that struggle with managing their emotions. Particularly with anger and frustration. For men with ADHD, understanding and managing intense emotions like anger can be a significant challenge. If you are reading this blog and you have ADHD you are likely already self-aware of some of your struggles. Yet you may find yourself stuck in recurring patterns and are aching to make some lasting changes in your life. Keep reading to deepen your understanding so you can jumpstart your journey towards emotional self-control.

Understanding ADHD and Emotional Dysregulation

• Intense Emotions: People with ADHD tend to feel both positive and negative emotions more intensely, frequently, and for longer periods of time than non-ADHDers. This can mean that feelings like frustration or anger are amplified. The impact of this can be intense rumination, struggling to know what feelings to act on, and difficulty balancing emotional information with logical reasoning and decision-making processes. Often, as described in the window of tolerance, after intense and prolonged feelings of anger or anxiety (hyperarousal), the nervous system will shift gears leading you to shutdown, feel zoned-out, and dissociated (hypoarousal). You’ll likely struggle to express yourself clearly and effectively. Without appropriate support, this cycle can keep going around and around.2
• Difficulty Regulating Emotions: A significant challenge for those with ADHD is their struggle to regulate emotions, which can lead to responses that seem emotionally inappropriate for the situation. This difficulty is caused by neurobiological differences in the brains of those with ADHD. Because of the differences in connectivity between different regions of the brain, the ability to hit the “brakes,” to stop yourself from doing something, is much harder. The analogy by ADHD expert Dr. Edward Hallowell describes it best: “ADHD is like having a sports car engine with bicycle brakes.”3
• Brain Function and Impulsivity: A fast thinking and active brain, combined with bicycle brakes means that individuals with ADHD may struggle to pause and think before reacting, leading to impulsive outbursts. They often describe having a “short fuse” or being easily angered and frustrated, prone to intense emotional reactions. When emotions are high, it is hard to focus on anything else – this can increase distractibility. Impulsivity, in some situations, can look and result in spontaneity and exciting ventures for those spending time with the ADHDer. However, when there is a schedule and rules to follow, impulsivity can result in saying or doing regrettable things in the heat of the moment.2

A lot of the symptoms and experiences of ADHD, can be helpful, exciting, and facilitate thought-provoking conversations. Those with ADHD can be some of the most creative individuals you will ever meet! Yet, when things are hard, and they are struggling, that is when their neurobiological differences create increased difficulties. Anger can appear as a result of numerous different types of stressors. Depending on the individual’s unique biological, psychological, and environmental development, anger tends to be expressed (this is oversimplifying it of course) in two ways.

Anger in Men with ADHD: Internalizers and Externalizers

Anger can manifest in distinct “anger-in” (internalized) and “anger-out” (externalized) styles, though an individual may exhibit both. Let’s explore how anger can be experienced in both styles.4

Anger-Out (Externalizers)

Externalized anger often stems from underlying impulsivity and difficulty inhibiting immediate responses. This can look like:

• Verbal and Physical Outbursts: Due to the increased difficulty to hit the “brakes” on our emotions and impulses, when angry, those with ADHD may be more likely to yell, throw things, or do something they later regret. Arguments, especially with partners, can quickly escalate. It can be harder to shift gears and de-escalate once emotions are high. It’s like the gears/cogs of the emotional mind are rusty and thus do not switch as smoothly. This makes any sort of transitions or changing of moods difficult, prolonged, and stressful.
• Controlling Behaviour: Some men with ADHD might exhibit aggressive or bossy temperaments. Controlling behaviour can arise as a defense mechanism due to fearing negative judgments from others. It serves to protect yourself from feeling and/or appearing “inadequate.” This can also be related to perfectionism, procrastination, and other behaviours that stem from attempts at controlling their own experiences in order to prevent feeling “inadequate.”
• Relationship Strain: In intimate relationships, ADHD can create an “under-functioner” dynamic, where the partner with ADHD struggles with reliability and consistency, leading to anger, nagging, and avoidance from both sides. This imbalance can exacerbate domestic workload issues and lead to disconnection between partners. Also, ADHDers can also be constantly in “go-mode” (hyperactivity). Thus, they have trouble stopping to rest and end up taking on too much which leads to crashing, frustration, and resentment in interpersonal relationships.5
• Communication Breakdown: Those with ADHD may struggle with the “rhythm of language,” interrupting conversations or blurting out comments without considering the other person’s feelings or cues (remember, a fast car with bicycle brakes means it’s hard to stop once started). They might be so intense and interested about a topic that others start to feel overwhelmed. When the person with ADHD senses that this has happened they often feel frustrated with themselves and begin to engage in self-criticism. Being harsh and critical of ourselves can significantly contribute to symptoms of depression, further entrenching difficulties with the regulation of anger and other emotions.6
• Internal Restlessness and Anxiety: The “antsy” feeling and internal anxiety, which can be part of ADHD, can lead to frustration and angry outbursts when caught off guard. It’s as if you are constantly feeling a slight level of tension within your body and a sense of needing to constantly do something. Basically, your body and emotions are more readily “primed” to react to something. This anxiety is often felt closer to a deadline, increasing stress.

Internalized anger in ADHD can be completely overwhelming and lead to chronic inner turmoil.

Anger-In (Internalizers)

When a man with ADHD internalizes his anger, it can manifest as a pervasive negative internal state rather than overt displays. This “anger-in” processing style is often characterized by:

• Internal Turmoil: Instead of a dramatic explosion of temper, anger may present as generalized irritability, continual grumpiness, chronic dissatisfaction, or pessimism. These low moods feel like the end of the world. An individual might be brooding and struggling in silent misery.
• Self-Blame: When anger is directed inward, it often leads to self-blame, low self-esteem, and feelings of inadequacy. Common outcomes are consistently feeling like you “screwed up again” and frequently relive past mistakes, fuelling internal frustration and anger. These experiences can significantly contribute to depression.6 Understanding the neurobiological roots of ADHD can help individuals move past this self-blame as it is not their fault, they didn’t choose to be born with a neurodivergence.
• Withdrawal and Avoidance: You might become withdrawn, reserved, or appear to be in a fog. This can serve as a protective mechanism to avoid difficult tasks or social interactions, partly due to the fear of experiencing negative emotions or giving up at the first sign of “failure.”
• Overwhelm and Shut Down: When the brain’s capacity to process emotional or general information is exceeded, an individual with ADHD may experience a “shut down susceptibility” (aka “Analysis Paralysis”). They become so overloaded they can barely move, talk, or think. During such times, attempts at communication might be met with irritation or ignored completely. They’re already overwhelmed and are struggling to find internal clarity and direction.

Certified Anger Management Therapy for Men with ADHD

If you resonated or found yourself nodding while reading any of the above, you may benefit from specialized therapeutic support to address the difficulties that arise from your neurodivergence. At Iron Tree Counselling, we offer specialized therapy for neurodivergent men, designed to provide deep insights for real-world situations that you are hoping to navigate and experience more positively. 

Struggling to manage anger and intense emotions can negatively impact your own life and all of your relationships. With your kids, your friends, your co-workers, your partners, and family – and it is really frustrating in and of itself to not know why you have these struggles or how to change them. 

That’s why we believe that counselling support needs to be custom tailored to help you move beyond surface-level issues so you can start to experience changes in your daily life outside of the therapy session. Below you will discover how Iron Tree Counselling can specifically support you with managing your anger as a neurodivergent man.

Understanding Your Unique Experience of Anger

Our approach begins with a deep dive into your unique experience of anger. The focus is about understanding your anger while seeking to gain a much clearer picture of its origins and manifestations. We will intentionally slow down the process in-session, while talking through challenges, to observe and understand how you experience emotions. This exploration will cover the major elements of what constitutes an emotion and your specific experience of feelings.

Topics for Deeper Exploration

• Triggers: What specific situations, people, or thoughts tend to set you off? Together we will seek to find patterns you might not have noticed before.
• Physical Sensations: Where do you feel anger in your body? Becoming aware of these physical cues is essential for early detection and habit change.
• Thought Patterns: What kind of thoughts race through your mind when you’re angry? Exploring how these thoughts fuel your anger is very important in breaking the vicious cycles that can result from unhelpful emotions.
• Emotions: Sometimes anger is the most core and primary feeling in us. However, a lot of the time it isn’t. Often anger is a secondary emotion. This means that it is covering up or protecting another, deeper, emotion. We will explore what other emotions might be linked to your experience of anger.
• Impulses and Actions: What do you do when you are angry? Do you hit things, throw things, or do you internalize it and engage in harsh self-criticism? Knowing what you typically do when you’re angry helps us understand how and when to intervene with more helpful ways of managing your feelings.
• Origins of Anger: We will discuss and explore your beliefs about anger, how it might have supported or protected you in your life, and determine what aspects may be helpful for you now.
• Neurodivergence: How does your neurodivergence impact your feelings of anger? Do you get angry all of a sudden, like a flash of lighting just went through you? Or perhaps you generally feel tense and primed to be agitated and grumpy throughout the day. We’ll explore how your unique neurobiology may impact your anger and discuss specific ways to address these particular challenges. 

This in-depth exploration is aimed at understanding the roots of your concerns and struggles. When we know the cause of your difficulties, we can make sense of them, and more easily move through them. 

Develop Emotional Intelligence

Think of your counsellor as an emotional coach, helping you to understand your emotions – what to do with them, how to regulate them, how to use them as tools for personal growth, and how to communicate them effectively when relevant. By addressing emotions and understanding them as parts of you, and acknowledging that you are bigger than the sum of all of the parts within you, you will be able to develop a sense of control and mastery over your emotions. 

It’s like you are the CEO at the head of the table. You take the perspective and opinions from the other parts at the table (your emotions), but you always have the final say about what to do (if anything), how to do it, and when to do it regarding your management of feelings. 

In-Session Practice

Once we have a better understanding of your anger, we’ll equip you with practical skills to manage it constructively as it arises. Preventing suppression, you’ll gain tools to navigate anger effectively so it’s less likely to pop-up out of nowhere later. We will go through some techniques together and practice the ones that make the most sense for you and your needs. Then, in-session, we may simulate situations that trigger your anger, so you can learn to apply them in real-time. Some examples of the techniques we may practice include:

• Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Non-Identification (RAIN): Follow the steps of this mnemonic when feeling strong emotions and “recognizing” your impulse to do or say something. By giving yourself some space and psychological distance from the experience of your emotion, you can then start to look at it rather than from it.
• Relaxation Techniques: Such as progressive muscle relaxation and breathing exercises (diaphragmatic or box breathing) to reduce tension and calm your nervous system. Find other stress management techniques here.
• Mindfulness Strategies: Techniques to help you stay present with your emotions without getting carried away by them, emphasizing slowing down. Dropping anchor is a great way to do this. 

Challenging Unhelpful Thoughts

Often, anger is fuelled and reinforced by unhelpful thinking patterns. This can keep secondary and unhelpful levels of anger at high intensities for long periods of time – like a lasting grumpy mood. Thus, we will work together to examine your thought processes so you can:

• Identify Unhelpful Thinking Patterns: Pinpointing common traps like catastrophizing, all-or-nothing thinking, or blaming.
• Challenge Negative Thoughts: Practicing techniques to question the validity of your angry thoughts.
• Develop Balanced Thinking: Replacing unhelpful thoughts with more realistic, balanced, and constructive perspectives.

Improving Communication and Resolving Conflict

Experiencing and expressing emotions effectively is one of the most challenging things to do in relationships. For neurodivergent individuals, navigating social cues and communication can be even more complex. Anger is the primary emotion of need – it tells us when our goal has been blocked or something desired was taken from us. Therefore, we’ll ensure you can communicate your needs and feelings effectively without resorting to aggression, passivity, or passive aggression. You’ll learn:

• Assertive Communication: How to express yourself clearly, respectfully, and directly.
• Using “I” Statements: To communicate your feelings without blaming or accusing. We may even engage in role-playing challenging conversations in session to practice assertive responses.
• Problem-Solving and Conflict Resolution Skills: Including identifying core issues, brainstorming solutions, and learning negotiation and compromise. This slow and deliberate approach helps develop a more thoughtful and less reactive response. 

**If you find yourself experiencing emotional abuse or difficulty resolving conflict with someone in your life, read this article to learn more about how to set effective boundaries with High Conflict Personalities (HCP). 

Explore Deeper Emotional Roots

Anger isn’t always a standalone emotion; it can sometimes be a manifestation of other deeper feelings. We may explore whether past traumas or difficult childhood experiences have contributed to your current anger patterns, or if your anger is masking feelings of sadness, fear, shame, or vulnerability. This exploration allows you to process sensitive topics with care and self-compassion, leading to lasting change and growth.

Tracking Your Progress

Together, we’ll track your progress, using tools like an anger log to identify patterns and the effectiveness of strategies. Our goal is to provide you with a safe, supportive, and non-judgmental space to explore your anger and develop healthier coping mechanisms. With commitment and the right tools, you can gain greater control over your anger and create more fulfilling relationships. 

Take the Next Step

Making changes takes courage, dedication, and support to commit to and follow through on your chosen goals. So, if you’re a man who is neurodivergent and struggling to understand your emotions, book a free consultation. In the consultation we can discuss your needs and determine the best approach to help you move forward so you can start to break free from old patterns and achieve lasting change.

Need Support? If you’re struggling with your emotions, have or suspect you have ADHD or are neurodivergent, don’t hesitate to reach out. You can learn more about my counselling practice to see if a free consultation is something you are interested in.

This blog post is intended for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice. If you have concerns about ADHD, anger, depression, anxiety, or your mental health, please consult with a qualified healthcare professional.

References: 

1. Barkley, Russell A. ADHD in Children and Adolescents: Advances in Diagnosis, Treatment and Management. Eau Claire, WI: PESI, Inc., 2021.
2. Barkley, Russell A. Taking Charge of ADHD: The Complete, Authoritative Guide for Parents. Revised Edition. New York: The Guilford Press, 2000.
3. ADDitude. “How to Explain ADHD to a Child and Build Confidence.” ADDitude Magazine, July 28, 2025. https://www.additudemag.com/how-to-explain-adhd-to-a-child-and-build-confidence/?platform=hootsuite.
4. Spielberger, C. D. (1988). Manual for the State-Trait Anger Expression Inventory. Odessa, FL: Psychological Assessment Resources.
5. Tuckman, Ari. ADHD, Relationships, and Sex: Strategies to Overcome the Over/Under-Functioner Dynamic. Eau Claire, WI: PESI, Inc., 2020.
6. Luyten, Patrick, Bernard Sabbe, Sidney J. Blatt, Sieglinde Meganck, Bart Jansen, Carmen De Grave, Frank Maes, and Jozef Corveleyn. “Dependency and self‐criticism: Relationship with major depressive disorder, severity of depression, and clinical presentation.” Depression and anxiety 24, no. 8 (2007): 586-596.