Men’s Resentment in Relationships: The Silent Implosion2025-09-242025-09-26https://irontreecounselling.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/11/irontreelogo-alt3-light.pngIron Tree Counsellinghttps://irontreecounselling.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/11/irontreelogo-alt3-light.png200px200px
Do you ever feel like you’re carrying the entire weight of your relationship? Do you ever have thoughts that you would be better off without your partner? That you don’t even get your needs met so what’s the point in being with someone if you live in a one-sided relationship?
If so, you might find yourself feeling irritable or tense, carrying a vague sense of being underappreciated or taken for granted. It may feel like just a bad mood or being “grumpy,” but what you’re likely experiencing is resentment. This is a corrosive emotion born from the belief that you’ve been treated unfairly.
Well, let me be the one to tell you that you are not alone. Many men I work with in counselling experience resentment in their relationships (romantic, friendship, familial). So we’ll explore this emotion and the hidden struggles that it often manifests as to help men lighten their emotional load.
We’ll define what resentment is, explore its roots in modern masculinity, and—most importantly—outline some strategies to get started on your path towards growth and connection.
What is Resentment?
Resentment is different from a flash of anger; it’s a simmering, chronic state of being.1 While anger is a quick, protective response to a threat, resentment is what happens when that anger is suppressed and allowed to fester.
It’s a complex blend of disappointment, disgust, frustration, and bitterness that can linger for months or even years, typically ebbing and flowing in intensity.
The needs and desires for emotional closeness, support, validation, and physical touch that underlie resentment are valid needs in any relationship.
But holding onto resentment is like “drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” The person you’re truly harming is yourself. It’s a form of mental and emotional bondage that keeps you focused on a past injury, preventing you from moving forward.
Let’s use a fictional character to exemplify what some of the “signs of resentment” might look like.
John’s Resentment Experience
John is in a relationship with his partner, Stacey. They have been together for 2 years. He thinks about his relationship a lot. He is constantly experiencing resentment in various ways.
Signs and Symptoms of Resentment in Relationships
Thoughts/Internal Monologues:
“What do I need to do to improve my relationship today?”
“What does my partner need from me?”
“Am I the only one who cares about this relationship?”
“I hope they are okay with me staying a little longer at work today. I just couldn’t say no.”
“I did the dishes everyday this week, and she has done nothing!”
“I wonder if she will notice and say thank you after I make dinner…”
“I never get validated for what I do, it’s like I am invisible in this relationship!”
“I wish I didn’t have to go to that event this weekend, but I will feel so guilty if I don’t go”
Other Signs of Resentment:
Score keeping: I have done the dishes, vacuumed, and cleaned the bathroom. You have done nothing. Score = 3:0
Constant comparisons: “His partner seems more caring than mine. Why can’t my partner do that more for me?”
Assumptions and Expectations: Doing a chore while assuming your partner, once having seen you do this, will stop to help out. Expecting your partner to know you want help when you are doing something.
Criticizing and Undermining: “You aren’t able to do anything are you?”
Passive-Aggressive Communication: “There’s nothing more for you to do, I already did it all”
Depression and Withdrawal: Being in a “grumpy” mood. Saying “No, it’s fine, I got it” when someone asks if you want help.
Feelings of Guilt and Anxiety: Guilt arises after setting a boundary, taking a break, or doing something for yourself. Anxiety often occurs when there’s a perceived conflict or disruption in the relationship. Guilt and anxiety make it harder to break the cycle of resentment and are intricately involved in people pleasing dynamics.
John can go days, weeks, and sometimes months without letting his feelings of resentment be explicitly expressed. When it starts to build though, he starts to notice more acutely when he does something on his own.
He also notices more often when his partner doesn’t do something he wants them to do. He starts to consciously think, “if I ask for help, they’d just say no, so why bother?” The signs and symptoms of resentment begin to intensify and he starts to feel the emotional toll of this cycle of resentment.
At its peak, this resentment acts as a sort of energy, fuelling his cleaning, working, and general efforts with a bitter, frustrated energy. He can often ride out these intense waves of feeling and return to a state of relative peace within himself and the relationship.
Yet, even then, because he is able to suppress and return to a “good enough” feeling, he continues relying solely on himself, still neglecting to express his needs or feelings.
Ultimately, this cycle leaves him feeling as if he’s lost control of his mind, as he navigates these relationship dynamics within his own mind and body entirely on his own!
Where Does Resentment Come From?
So, for men, like John, the path to resentment is often paved by societal norms. From a young age, many of us are taught that emotional expression, especially of vulnerable feelings like sadness or fear, is a sign of weakness.
Phrases like “Man up” or “Boys don’t cry” create a culture of stoicism and hyper self-reliance that encourages us to push down our feelings.
This conditioning leaves many men with only one “masculine” emotion they feel is safe to express: anger. When we can’t articulate our hurt, vulnerability, frustration, or fear, those feelings are channeled into irritability, passive-aggression, or emotional withdrawal.2
This creates an insidious pathway that turns a simple feeling of being wronged into a deep-seated resentment.
In relationships, resentment often stems from unspoken expectations.3 We may believe our partner should instinctively know our needs, and when they don’t, this unmet need is perceived as an injustice.
This creates a cycle: resentment hinders communication, and poor communication deepens resentment.
Unconsciously, societal masculine norms of extreme self-reliance and people-pleasing are employed as coping mechanisms for these unmet needs.
Yet, these same mechanisms inadvertently reinforce and mask our genuine, deeper needs and feelings, such as the need for assistance, affirmation, or encouragement.
The Price of Silence
To truly grasp the oppressive weight that resentment places on men and the insidious way its cycle takes hold, let’s consider an analogy.
An Analogy of Resentment
Imagine that every time you have a need (for a hug or help carrying something), a desire (a break from the kids), or a feeling of anger that you suppress, you create a brick.
The pushing down of these feelings creates the pressure to make a brick within your body. Each brick adds emotional and mental weight, further increasing the likelihood of stress.
These bricks start to pile up, and eventually, you have a wall within you. This wall not only keeps you from reaching out and communicating with your partner but also blocks your partner from being able to communicate or reach you.
When this wall of bricks becomes too high and heavy, you may feel like you’re either imploding (feeling out of control) or exploding (having thoughts of running away or separating).
When you implode, you likely withdraw and disconnect from others. You may resort to unhelpful or unhealthy coping mechanisms (using drugs or alcohol, risky behaviours).
When you explode, you likely yell or express an angry part of you that does or says things that you later regret.
Whether you implode or explode, a common conclusion of both manifestations is entering into a state of depression and shutdown.
The Bottle-Necking of Resentment
No matter what the result of this brick wall ends up being for you, the cost of carrying this unspoken burden is staggering, impacting both your mind and body. The constant suppression of emotion floods your system with stress hormones, putting you in a perpetual state of fight, flight, or freeze.
This can lead to serious health issues, including high blood pressure, headaches, digestive problems, and a weakened immune system.
Mentally, resentment is fuelled by rumination—the obsessive replaying of a past injury. This habit of thought keeps your brain on high alert, making it difficult to concentrate and draining your energy.
In your relationships, resentment acts like a poison. It erodes trust and intimacy, leading to a breakdown in communication. You might find yourself retreating emotionally and physically, engaging in passive-aggressive behaviour, or simply avoiding your partner.
These defensive behaviours, while intended to protect you from being hurt again, ultimately sabotage the very connections you need most.
Therefore, instead of bearing the weight of all of this on your own, regularly cycling through either imploding or exploding, you can break the cycle of resentment and deepen your relationships.
Break Down the Wall to Find Authentic Connection
As the author David W. Orr has suggested, survival of the fittest is not survival of the strongest, it’s survival of the most connected. True strength isn’t about remaining rigid and stoic; it’s about being resilient and rooted in emotional awareness.
Just as a tree bends in the wind but does not break, you can learn to navigate emotional challenges without being destroyed by them.
Before we get to the strategies, let’s first recognize that resentment isn’t an all-bad experience. After all, it is telling you important information. When you feel resentful, this means that you have needs that aren’t being met.
Moreover, perhaps there are real issues in your relationship. Maybe the part of you that feels resentment has some accurate observations or perceptions.
But, the only way you will truly be able to know the accuracy and veracity of your resentment is by beginning to take accountability for your actions and inactions.
Check the Facts First
You need to be able to honestly state that you have expressed yourself fully and asked for your needs to be met regularly. No one person in our life can meet all of our needs. We are social and complex beings and so have a variety of different types of needs and drives.
Thus, it is imperative that you start to recognize your individual needs to start acknowledging which of your needs and desires are “me” needs.
“Me” needs are things that pertain to you and your own life, outside of the relationship you feel resentful in. For instance, socializing with friends, going to the gym, playing video games, eating healthy, going to bed at the time that is best for you. These are all “me” needs.
Then, assess which of your needs are truly “we” needs. “We” needs are the needs that pertain specifically to the relationship wherein you feel resentful.
For instance, let’s use John as an example. John’s “we” needs are to be physically touched more often (i.g., hugs), to have his partner express more validation of his actions, to be supported with chores, and to spend more quality time with his partner.
Once this personal and relational inventory has taken place, along with the strategies below, then you will start to be able to understand and decide for yourself the accuracy, utility, and overall usefulness of resentment in your life.
Strategies to Overcome Resentment in Relationships
1. Individual Work: Lighten Your Load
The first step in overcoming resentment is a courageous one: acknowledge the resentment and take responsibility for holding onto it. This re-frames the issue as an internal state you can change.
Feel the Pain: Instead of pushing emotions down, non-judgmentally allow yourself to feel the underlying hurt, fear, or sadness that the anger is covering. A feeling wheel can help with this process.
Change Your Mindset: Recognize that resentment is a habit of thought. You can break this habit by practicing techniques like self-distancing, where you replay a difficult event from a detached, third-person perspective to reduce the emotional charge. This 4-Step Process to Changing Habits handout can help with this process.
Move Your Body: Physical activity like running, hiking, or playing sports is a great way to discharge the pent-up tension that comes with suppressed emotions.
Survival of the fittest is not survival of the strongest, it’s survival of the most connected.
2. Relational Work: Break the Wall and Build a Bridge
Resentment thrives in silence, so healing requires reopening the lines of communication. It’s time to shift your ongoing internal conversation (of resentment rumination) to an ongoing external conversation with your partner.
Master “I Feel” Statements: Instead of blaming your partner with “You always…” statements, focus on your own experience. For example, “I feel hurt when…”. This approach reduces defensiveness and invites a collaborative conversation. Practice saying a few out loud while alone on your next commute to and from work.
Practice Active Listening: True communication is a two-way street. Practice being fully present without planning your response. Simple acts like making eye contact and validating your partner’s feelings—”I hear what you’re saying,” or “That makes sense”—can rebuild trust and connection.
Choose to Forgive: Forgiveness is not about excusing a past wrong; it is a conscious decision to let go of resentment for your own well-being. You cannot hold onto both forgiveness and resentment at the same time.
Gratitude: Gratitude has been referred to as the opposite of resentment. It shifts the perspective from being narrow and defeatist to a more open and accepting mindset. This will help you see, perhaps more objectively, what your partner does dofor you.1
3. Continue Growing with Counselling for Men
For many men, this journey is too difficult to walk alone. Which makes sense, learning to understand your emotions and communicate them is a skill.
If you weren’t taught or shown how to improve at this skill, then it will no doubt be challenging to do on your own. It’s the same with learning anything in life, and that’s okay.
Just like you see a dentist to have your teeth cleaned and do the maintenance outside of the dentist’s office by brushing your teeth, seeking counselling is the same idea.
A therapist, in-session, helps you understand yourself better while helping you learn strategies you can use outside of session.
A counsellor will provide a safe, non-judgmental space to help you understand the root causes of your resentment, explore how societal norms have impacted you, and equip you with the tools to address these feelings proactively
Men’s counselling for resentment management is an effective way to improve your emotional intelligence and relationships.
The path to emotional freedom is a journey, and you don’t have to take it alone. And remember, true, enduring strength comes not from a rigid, impenetrable exterior but from deep, healthy emotional roots.
Need Support? If you’re struggling with resentment and want to improve your relationship, don’t hesitate to reach out. Learn more about my counselling practice to see if a free consultation is something you are interested in.
This blog post is intended for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice. If you have concerns about resentment, anger, depression, anxiety, or your mental health, please consult with a qualified healthcare professional.
**For a brief video version of this blog, check out my YouTube Channel
American Psychological Association. “APA Issues First-Ever Guidelines for Practice with Men and Boys.” Monitor on Psychology, January 2019. Accessed August 26, 2025.https://www.apa.org/monitor/2019/01/ce-corner.
